


Couples Therapy

by black_hat_with_bells



Category: Heroes - Fandom
Genre: Crack Fic, F/M, humor fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-15
Updated: 2011-04-15
Packaged: 2017-10-18 02:32:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/184025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/black_hat_with_bells/pseuds/black_hat_with_bells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sylar and Elle go to couples therapy</p>
            </blockquote>





	Couples Therapy

**Author's Note:**

> written for the anon syelle prompt meme on the syelle lj community: Sylar and Elle go to couples therapy
> 
> Also: this is very crackfic haha.

Dr. Pierce didn’t think his job was too demanding.

Not really. He was paid to listen to problems where he could be doing it for free. Of course, everyone had their problems. All he had to say is ‘I’m sure you love each other very much. You just care too much’, and things worked out from there.

He did not expect anything unusual at his age.

So, when the nice looking couple came in, he smiled from behind his desk and told them to take a seat (the loveseat because his secretary had a sick sense of humor). He moved to take his favorite chair across from them.

They were a nice couple.

Normal-looking. They sat on opposite sides of the couch, the man sinking down in the seat a little ways. Looking anxious and like he had been drug up here. The girl was perky, sitting upright with her hands placed demurely in her lap and a smile on her face. The usual attitudes and appearances of gender roles. Good, good.

“I know this is our first time talking together,” Dr. Pierce began, taking out his notepad. “It’s always a good idea to start with the perceived problems. Usually those problems are from another source, covering deeper problems that-

“This will not end well,” the man said, crossing his arms and raising his eyebrows.

“Well, most people think the worst about the end results,but they find-.”

“I’m not talking about the ending for us.” Dr Pierce nodded along. Most were embarrassed about sharing their problems as a burden. He could understand.

“See what I have to work with,” the woman said. “He’s such a downer. All the time, it’s wah-wah this or boo-hoo that-.”

“Hold on. Uh, let’s start with introducing ourselves first. I’m Dr. Pierce.”

“Couldn’t have figured that one out,” the man muttered, rolling his eyes.

“I’m Elle Gray, and the lump next to me is Gabriel Gray,” she chirped, brightly. “Can I talk now?”

Gabriel gave him a look. “She thinks you’ll be on her side if she gives you the innocent school girl act. That’s the only reason she’s being nice to you.”

“At least I make an honest try to be a fake,” she protested. “This guy’s only here because he’s paid. Why should I feel bad?”

“That’s an interesting way to look at it,” Dr. Pierce muttered.

“My husband thinks he’s a sincere liar, you see. The rest of us lie for all the wrong reasons. It’s only wrong when he’s lied to. But you know how it goes with men….I hope? Unless there’s something I should know.”

“I’m aware of how it usually goes. But since you’re the more open one-.” The girl shook her fists in victory, and her husband gave another roll of the eyes.

“Point for me! And none for you~,” she sang out to her partner.

“Uh, it’s not a competition," Dr. Pierce said.

“…can it be? Pretty please?”

Gabriel stared out the window, making a face.

“I suppose. I have a candy dish outside. Perhaps the winner-," Dr. Pierce.

“I get the whole dish! YES, hah. You see, sweetie pie, I can dish it out AND take it.”

He should have had a bad feeling about then, but Dr. Pierce’s instincts failed him. He laughed at the charming woman and nodded. “Why not? My wife will probably think that's good for my health. Now, what, in your own words, is the problem between you and Gabriel?”

“I really wouldn’t-,” Gabriel began.

“It’s her turn. You will get yours after she’s done,” Dr. Pierce said firmly. The man gave him a horrible, horrible look but then resumed his staring. Elle smiled extra brightly at them both before speaking.

“Well, doc, it’s like this. He won’t let me kill him as much anymore.”

“…I beg your pardon?”

Gabriel covered his mouth with his hand.

“I know, right? It’s not like I’m asking for too much. I just want to…sometimes you know, you get frustrated, and you just want to choke someone. They even have a saying! ‘Do I gotta choke a bitch?’ Well, I get frustrated a lot with my job. I finally have someone to whom I can express my uh-well, my doctor said homicidal tendencies but whatever. And he just comes back to life, good as new. No harm, no foul. A few months in, and suddenly, he won’t let me shock him to death, or drown him, or beat him with a tire pump, or set him on fire, or cut him open, or run him over, or-.’

“I think he gets the picture-," Gabriel said.

“IT’S MY TURN!” Elle shouted at Gabriel. Dr. Pierce jumped a foot in the air at her sudden change in demeanor. Her husband didn’t flinch. Nor did he seem to mind her delusional ranting about having killed him while he sat alive and breathing in the room. Dr. Pierce looked at him, but the man wouldn’t meet his eyes. Mr. Gray seemed almost defiant about the whole bizarre situation.

“Oh. I see," Dr. Pierce ended up whispering.

Gabriel laughed, and Elle glared at him.

“Now, all I need is for you to help me convince him to play with me again," she said.

“Well…I uh…” Dr. Pierce stammered. “This is a routine question that I forgot to ask. It’s my fault, but are you on medication?”

“Oh yeah! I forgot too. I started putting those pills in Gabriel’s food-.”

“YOU. WHAT?!” Gabriel yelped, seeming suddenly aware of being in the room.

“You told me you wanted to see them gone, and hey, I did what I was told. Didn’t help your mood any. Sometimes, it was nice to have you knocked out. I had a lot of fun then.”

“I should have known. Even your cooking isn’t that bad. Fuck.”

“Language,” Elle scolded. “We’re in nice company here. Can you believe him, doctor?”

Dr. Pierce looked at her husband again, with sympathy. This seemed to anger him. “Is it my turn yet, doctor?”

“Of course. I’m very interested in hearing what you have to say.”

“What I have to say is our problemss—it’s not..about her killing me. It’s the rate at which she kills me. At first, she was a little sore about me killing…”

“My dad,” she said, smiling. Her eyes like ice.

“But except for that one little thing, her reaction seems a bit over the top. I said I was sorry!”

They were having him on. They had to be kidding. It was a joke. All of it, had to be.

“Go on," Dr. Pierce said, determined to be professional.

Gabriel looked amused, smirking slightly. “It’s not like he wasn’t going to die anyway.”

“Fuck you,” Elle began.

“It’s his turn,” Dr. Pierce hurried to say, and Elle wilted.

“You made me lose a point, you bastard…” she hissed.

“Well—as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted—we moved on. I never thought I’d say this, but it’s boring. Being killed all the time—it just gets old. I’m like ‘oh I was dead—hmm, what’s on TV tonight’. I hate to say it, but there it is. Death has no meaning when it’s like taking out the garbage.”

“Recycling would be a better metaphor, Mr. Philosopher," Elle said.

“My. Turn. Mine,” Gabriel said, glaring.

Elle threw her hands up in the air in exasperation and kept on talking, “So you’re saying that I bore you? What about the times we have fun out and about?”

“Well, there’s that too. You see, doctor, she likes to set me up. I’m always being attacked somewhere. Do you know a little old lady attacked me with a bible outside a church last Sunday because my wife told her I was raping her every night? I mean, is that really necessary to keep the old spark going? I almost killed a man the week before because he was chasing after me. He was just trying to return my wallet—I thought he was going to shoot me like every other person on the planet who meets me after talking to my wife.

I guess he’ll never try to return anyone’s wallet again. And yeah—the routine is old. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“I didn’t know you felt like that,” Elle said softly.

“It’s not your fault. I’m just…other things probably affected my view of you. Like the toothpaste-.”

“Oh for! You won’t believe this one!" Elle exclaimed.

Dr. Pierce thought he would.

“I really started to get mad about being killed when I saw she kept the toothpaste tube open. Who does that? The paste hardens, and it’s complete useless. There’s toothpaste everywhere, all over the sink, and she won’t. Stop. It!”

“It’s not a perfect science, okay. A person’s toothpaste should be their own business, I’m sure-," Elle said.

“You take mine! I buy you your own tube of toothpaste to ruin, and you sneak over at take mine. And there’s the socks! Doctor, my closet is a mess. She makes things all static-y. There’s socks fucking clinging to the ceiling like bats, and I like things neat.”

“I can't help that my electricity makes the socks cling to me! If you didn't have me so mad all the time...

I try the best I can, you know."

“Then why can’t you get the blood stains out of my clothes, huh? I buy Tide. That’s the best stuff there is, and you turn perfectly good white shirts pink. Who puts the bloody clothes in with the whites!? WHO?!”

“I guess me! I do! AND I LIKE PINK!”

“She puts her cold feet on my legs at night!”

“Just to shock you a little! But he won’t let me sit on my couch. It’s all covered up with gross plastic!-.”

“I trip over her shoes! She’s so absent-minded, I’m always breaking my neck!”

“I put them there to trip you on the stairs! Grow a sense of humor back too, next time!”

“She eats all the ice cream!”

“Because you eat all the cookies!”

“She won’t stop stealing clothes!”

“He won’t even, heaven forbid, buy clothes because he just wants his old BLACK JACKET! I GOT HIM A PURPLE ONE FROM SOMEONE WITH GOOD TASTE AND IT’S STILL HANGING THERE IN THE CLOSET!”

“SHE BURNT MY JACKET!”

“JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE IN IT AT THE TIME!”

And they were off, arguing and shouting at each other, and Dr. Pierce held up his hands for peace. They both stared at him.

“...So you’re more…upset about the socks than the…assaults by strangers and possible murder attempts?”

Gabriel appeared to think about it, and it seemed like he had an epiphany. His face cleared up, and he smiled. “…Yeah. You’re right. I am more upset about the socks and the toothpaste. Wow. And I was really worried about myself for a second there.”

“Oh sweetie!” Elle said, hugging him. “So was I. But I’ll clean up the toothpaste.”

“Really? You meant it this time?” Gabriel asked, hopeful, taking her small hands in his.

“I promise. “

“Well—I guess I can let you sit on the couch.”

“Aw!” They hugged, both happy. Dr. Pierce, on the other hand, wasn’t so happy.

“I’m glad that your problems were resolved.”

“Thank you,” Gabriel said, nodding. “I had my doubts this would work, but I’m glad I gave it a try.”

Elle smiled beautifully. “I’m just glad I have my man back. How should we celebrate?”

“…Well we have to pay our bill first. I bet the good doctor here would be interested in electroshock therapy. Do you want to show him your little trick?”

“Oh do I! But maybe you should show him some of your tricks first?”

“That’s my girl,” Gabriel (who was not quite Gabriel) said.

It ended quite well for them.


End file.
